Football Fans,

A not-so-quick bowl season summary of how football pool champion Joel outlasted the competition: North Texas (the only Texas team Colorado managed to beat during the regular season - what, the School of Mines wasn't available for a game?) lost to Southern Miss. Syracuse could use some defensive help after a 51-14 ass-whooping by the Yellow Jackets. The Orange (who deserve to lose for bowing to political correctness in changing their nickname) thought they got a gem in Oklahoma defensive coordinator Bo Pelini but would like to reconsider their choice after the (ironically enough) Orange Bowl on Tuesday night.

In games no one really cared about, including alumni if attendance records are any indication, Bowling Green defeated Memphis (who should borrow some shady recruiting tactics from their new basketball coach), Marshall beat Cincinnati (who should borrow some thugs from their basketball team), Wyoming took down UCLA (nice offseason pickup of star QB Ben Olsen - won't help, but nice pickup anyway), and Hawaii thumped UAB. Mele Kalikimaka! KMA. KYA. KHA. Happy Hanukkah!

Virginia, mesmerized by Pat Hill's facial hair, blew a 4th quarter lead against Fresno State in the MPC Computers Bowl. UConn stomped Toledo in the Motor City Bowl (those were the only two teams in the history of college football excited to be visiting Detroit in December). Iowa State squeaked by Miami (OH) in the Independence Bowl. Oregon State throttled Notre Dame in the Insight.com Bowl. Wonder how the Domers feel about that coaching change now. It's still not too late to call Ron Turner. Ha ha! Too bad the Zooker was already taken. :)

Finally, we're on to some more interesting matchups. Ohio State took Oklahoma State out to the woodshed. Perhaps the Buckeyes heard they would be getting new Corvettes if they won their bowl game. Colorado defeated UTEP in the Battle of Ethical Coaches Bowl. All the jokes running through my mind aren't fit for print in this family forum, so we'll just move on to the next game. Texas Tech slobberknockered (that phrase was part of one the unprintable jokes from above) Cal. Should've jumped ship while you had the chance, Mr. Tedford.

In three games that should have been played in September, North Carolina defeated Boston College, Navy sunk New Mexico (obligatory pun for the e-mail), and Northern Illinois decimated Troy. "You're watching Troy football!"

New Year's Eve provided the opportunity to skip out on work and watch a full day of football. Alabama rushed for 21 yards and gave up 276 rushing yards to the Golden Gophers in a 20-16 defeat. You need to offer the cash to the players, not their high school coaches (see Ohio State for a fine example), to regain your glory. Le Sun Devils pulled out a last second win over Purdon't. Congratulations to Joe Tiller and the Boilermakers for yet another 4th quarter choke job. Florida fell to the Hurricanes. The Gators are thanking their lucky stars that the Urbanator is on the way. Charlie Strong looked like a deer in headlights, and Larry Fedora must've taken time off from his play-calling duties to watch the Boise State - Louisville game. The Cardinals won a last-second thriller against the Broncos. Immediately after the game Bobby Petrino denied interest in coaching his son's Pee Wee Football League team.

A full slate of games on New Year's Day started with Tennessee thumping Texas A&M. Moving along (I can't think of any Phat Phil jokes at the moment), Georgia outlasted Wisconsin in the Outback Bowl. I'm not sure, but I think David Greene and David Pollack are old enough to start drawing the NFL pensions already. Florida State beat West Virginia. Florida and Miami fans mourned the passing of the "Pick Rix" era. Expect an increase in the number of available handicap parking spots on the FSU campus. LSU lost to Iowa on a last-second Hail Mary. Way to send your coach out on a positive note. Tiger fans were last seen curled up in fetal positions after realizing their new head coach was the architect of a defense that gave up 410 yards/game this year. Note to Tiger Nation: crappy schemes are crappy schemes with or without players that run 4.4 40's.

To kick off the BCS debacle, Michigan blew chunks against Texas in the Rose Bowl. Nice to see Lloyd coach as poorly in postseason big games as he does in regular season ones. Everybody this side of Mack Brown was calling for Michigan to use timeouts during the Longhorns final drive. But Ol' Lloyd saved two timeouts to ice the kicker, who promptly booted the game winner through the uprights as time expired. Nice. ( I was going to insert a tasteless Bo Schembechler joke here but decided not to - consider it my charity for the week) Utah stomped an obviously overmatched Pittsburgh team in the Fiesta Bowl. The impressive display was not a good sight for Gator haters. Notre Dame fans spent the night crying in their beer. (Are there any groups I haven't offended yet? Just wondering, because I'm an equal opportunity offender).

Auburn outlasted Virginia Tech in a surprisingly lackluster Sugar Bowl. I still cannot comprehend how a 13-0 record that includes an SEC title does not earn a team a share of the national championship. ... After a full season and all of those bowl games, the race to determine the football pool champion came down to the outcome of the Orange Bowl. A USC win over the Sooners allowed Joel to maintain his slim lead atop the season standings. Not much to say about that game other than that it was a good, old-fashioned, woodshed beating.

That sums up the college football bowl season. Thanks to everyone for taking part in this year's pool. I look forward to everyone participating in next year's contest and to the opportunity to talk some more trash, drop some more inappropriate jokes, and worship at the altar of Beano the Hut.

In Beano We Trust,

Ara Parseghian