Hokie Hokie Hokie Hi's,

On a disappointing note, I couldn't find a way to work in a Stephen Hawking joke this week. I'm sure there's a good one within the whole Darth Visor commentary, but I just couldn't git-r-dun. I'll try harder next week. We kick things off with a trip around the SEC.

SEC
The producer who put together the pregame montage for the Georgia-Florida game deserves an Emmy. Great footage highlighted by interviews with drunken rednecks trying to name and spell the Dawgs starting quarterback for the game. Highest of high comedy. T-E-R-E-S-H-E-N-S-K-I if you're scoring at home. Nobody told me Urban Meyer was going to abandon that Mickey Mousecapade of an offense and start playing some real football, or I would've picked the Gators over the Dawgs. It still does not change the fact that Gator fans wear jean shorts. That's what you get when Ric Flair is your most famous fan (his wife is an alumnus). Wooooo!!!!!

http://static.flickr.com/25/49114451_767696465c.jpg?v=0

Cover the kids eyes for this one. Yikes!

I just brought up the Nature Boy to have a segue into another wraslin'-related article.

Best. Sign. Ever.

I love it when white trash air their personal problems in public. Be sure to read the comments section.
http://www.ajc.com/health/content/shared-blogs/ajc/parenting/entries/2005/10/27/georgia_footbal.html

And in case anyone didn't catch the Gator fashion show in Jacksonville, here is a link to the uniforms they wore on Saturday. I say "Why stop at the shoulder?" Let's go 50/50, right down the middle, a Two-Face uniform if you will. That includes helmets, shoes, mouthpieces, even jockstraps. Nike should hire me. Then I could walk to work.

Rocky Bottom? Darth Visor waltzed into Knoxville and defeated Fulmer & Co. yet again. This time the Vols fell to South Carolina, bringing Phat Phil's lifetime record against Spurrier to a not-so-good 3-8. Tennessee offensive coordinator Randy Sanders resigned on Monday. Rumors are swirling that David Cutcliffe (OC during Tinnersee's glory years with Peyton and Tee) will be hired.

'Bama defeated Utah State for homecoming in Tuscaloosa. Brodie gave Crimson Tide faithful a great big scare when he went down in the 3rd quarter. He left for the locker room and returned to the field with a few stitches. With that bit of excitement out of the way, Alabama fans turned their attention to a favorite pastime - tormenting Auburn fans (the phrase Cow College rings a bell). Here's a high resolution image of the Auburn (winners this weekend over the Fighting Steroid Freaks) kicker's final attempt at Death Valley versus LSU (neither Tennessee nor North Texas is helping your strength of schedule) last Saturday.

Kitten upped the ante to two articles of clothing for a Kentucky victory over Mississippi State, and the Wildcats came up big. Check out the following link on Thursday for the results.
http://www.wkqq.com/pages/kittenbillboard.html?feed=110195&article=324532

Dick to replace Johnson vs. Cocks says Nutt. Sometimes the headlines just write themselves.

ACC
Not to be outdone by Florida or Virginia Tech, Miami donned the ugliest uniforms this side of Oregon for their matchup against North Carolina. After UNC shocked #3 Miami in Chapel Hill last year, the question was "Can JB beat Miami twice?"

Miami's win sets up a Top 5 showdown with Virginia Tech next Saturday night in Blacksburg. The Hokies were 30-10 winners over ACC upstart / Big East traitor Boston College on Thursday. ... Clemson continues to find new and exciting ways to lose close games. The Tigers lost three fumbles (their first three lost fumbles of the season) in a 10-9 loss to the Yellow Jackets. Now is about the time of the season where the Clemson coaching seat gets white hot and Tommy Bowden turns it around. ... Florida State was down 24-14 in the 2nd half before Bobby woke up from his nap and smacked some coaching sense upside the head of son (and offensive coordinator) Jeff. From there the freakishly athletic FSU receivers took over and piled up the points faster than Peter Warrick stockpiling clothes on a Dillard's shopping spree.

Big 12
Can we just go ahead and give Vince Young the Heisman? He made the Cowboys (and the TBS camera man) look silly en route to 500+ yards of total offense in the Longhorns victory over Oklahoma State. I think the 1st half was a made-for-TV sham. It's scary to think he is actually considering returning for his senior year at Texas. ... Baylor posted a donut against the Red Raiders. You know it's not your year when Texas Tech is shutting you out in front of a home crowd. ... Brad Smith showed why he's a poor man's Vince Young with a 14/37 passing - 20 carry / 38 yard rushing performance against the Fighting Manginos in Lawrence. 1st Lloyd Carr Coaching Move Of The Week goes to Mizzou coach Gary Pinkel, for no other reason than you just shouldn't be losing to Kansas by a score of 13-3. ... Colorado outlasted Kansas State in Manhattan. Somebody has to win the Big 12 North; might as well be the Buffs. They should start practicing ankle grabbing now to get ready for the ass-whoopin' Texas is going to give them in the Big 12 championship game. ... Texas A&M got pasted by Iowa State. There's a good chance the Aggies won't win another game this year with remaining games against Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Texas. ... Adrian Peterson made a cameo in Lincoln as the Sooners held off the Huskers for a 31-24 victory. Cornholer coach Bill Callahan did his best Chris Webber and threw a throat slash at the referees. That's only slightly more classy than calling Oklahoma fans "fucking rednecks" like he did last year. Possibly true, but inappropriate nonetheless.

Big 11
Dark week for me as my beloved Illini got put on probation because a booster payed a player a few years ago. Might as well ban us from a bowl game, too. You would think if a booster was going to pay a kid they would at least dole out the cash to a highly touted 5-star recruit. At Illinois they pay 2-star, 4th string running backs. Unbelievable. We deserve punishment based on the logic alone. ThrIllinois fell to Bucky 41-24 on Saturday. At least we covered the spread. Once again the Big Ten player of the week (Brian Calhoun) lined up opposite the Illini defense. My bold prediction for next week is that we make the offensively challenged Buckeyes look like the 2nd coming of the Fun-N-Gun.

How Illinois gets punished while tOSU walks free is beyond comprehension. As Jerry Tarkanian once said: "The NCAA is so mad at Kentucky that it's giving Cleveland State two more years of probation." Ohio State put together a complete game in a thrashing of Minnesota. Ted Ginn returned a kickoff for a TD and Antonio Pittman had a big day. The pass defense was a little suspect, but that won't matter much against their next opponent. Better fix it before taking on the Mildcats and Wolverines, though.

Michigan State throttled Indiana, and my not-so-favorite coach managed to use the phrase "little crapper" when describing one of his players.
http://www.freep.com/sports/umich/cfbticker31e_20051031.htm

Penn State defeated the Fighting Oatmeal Pitchmen in Happy Valley. Wilford Brimley promptly closed practice to NFL scouts. I'd close practice to scouts, too, if my team was that bad. Despite returning 18 starters and a schedule that did not include Michigan or Ohio State, Purdue is tied for last place in the Big Ten with Illinois. Bha ha ha! Choke on that, Tiller. ... Michigan shut down the high-powered Northwestern offense (there's a phrase you don't see in print very often) and came away victorious against the Purple Power (cue stupid wildcat sound clip). The Wolverines have a bye week before finishing up with Indiana and Ohio State.

Pac-10
USC thumped Wazzu down in the LBC. Snoop Dogg made a cameo at the Coliseum. I can't wait to see people jumping off the Trojan bandwagon when the team loses a few games. As for Washington State, they seem to be embodying the "Cougin' It" philosophy.

2nd Lloyd Carr coaching move of the week (LCCMOTW - another football pool trademark) goes to Stanford's Walt Harris for calling two pass plays while leading UCLA late in the 4th quarter. Of course both passes were incomplete, each one stopping the clock and giving the Bruins more time to drive down the field for a game-tying score at the end of regulation. Let's hope Walt turns things around at the Farm, because the last thing I want is him getting fired and then lured back to Columbus to be Ohio State's offensive coordinator. ... Arizona upset Oregon State in Corvallis. Meh. ... Arizona State defeated Washington in Tempe, depriving me the joy of watching Kyle run on the field to kick Coach Koetter in the crotch (say that fives times fast). Les Diables travel to Pullman to take on the Cougars this weekend. Pack your rain gear.

Big East
SUNJ is bowl eligible! And they still lost to Illinois. Somebody boot the Big East out of the BCS. I'm tired of covering them. On to the MAC!

MAC
Central Michigan and Western Michigan both scored victories against in-conference rivals this weekend. The Chippewas are so stoked with their recent success that they contacted Illinois in hopes of scheduling a game on the Illini's October 14th bye week in 2006. I really wish I was making that up, but it's a true story. Big upcoming weekend for the Directionals - Northern IL travels to Mount Pleasant to take on Central MI, and Western MI travels to Ypsilanti (shout out to Sarah) to play Eastern MI.

After winning a grand total of 5 games (with a few 4th quarter choke jobs thrown in for good measure), Charlie Weis was given a 10-year contract extension valued anywhere from $30-40 million by Notre Dame last week. I know he's a good coach (please ignore my Week 01 comment), but he is not the 2nd coming of Jesus H. Cristo. Or maybe he is. The Golden Domers should verify by seeing if he can turn water into Boone's Strawberry Hill. Given that he's turned Brady Quinn from Carlyle Holiday into Joe Montana, Vegas would probably give even odds on the feat.

And just for good measure, Notre Dame announced improvements to its storied football history.

Let me get this straight: The NCAA wants to ban use of the nickname Fighting Illini but is perfectly o.k. with a bunch of Mormons chanting and jumping around like idiots while attempting to replicate the Maori War Dance? #@&! Myles Brand and his insane clown posse. BYU, despite a noticeable absence of "Afro-American" players that "run very well", thumped Air Force. Perhaps the space cadets were shocked and awed by Whitey doing the war dance. Time to put Fisher out to pasture.

He's at the 45...
http://www.missoulian.com/articles/2005/10/23/sports/sports02.txt

Lindsay Scott! Lindsday Scott! Lindsay Scott!

Larry Munson