My fancy new computer arrived last week, so I'm a little behind on the weekly updates. There weren't a lot of exciting matchups during the previous week, so we'll stick to the flotsam and jetsam I found on the intarweb while searching for all things college football. Let the record state that the annual meltdown for the John L. Smith led Michigan State Spartans began during the 2nd quarter sideline brawl with Notre Dame after a late hit on QB Drew Stanton. More about that later. On to the weekly summary.

This is the kind of hard hitting information you get when watching Tuesday night football between two teams that, while they still may suck, blow, or swallow, (depending on if you're from Iowa, Indiana, or Michigan, respectively - as if any respect was intended) could still beat the bejesus out of my beloved Fighting Illini.

ACC
Nothing of relevance in the ACC this week, unless you count another blog entry from Jenn Sterger.

When in doubt, show pictures of scantily clad women to boost ratings

Any Georgia Tech fans in the audience? <cough>Dave? Vipul?</cough>

Big 11
The single greatest radio rant in the history of mankind, precipitated by Michigan State's 2nd half collapse in the 40-37 loss to Notre Dame in East Lansing. Wow. Just, wow. A sampling of my favorite quotes: "Timeouts are not like cell phone minutes. They don't carry over."; "...so fatboy could feed 'em pudding"; "Pucker, pucker, pucker." Highest of high hall of fame comedy. The fun starts around the 7:30 mark. MSU fans stopped rioting long enough to voice their opinion on head coach (for now, anyway) John L. Smith.

As if the loss wasn't embarrassing enough, the Michigan State coaching staff sent three goons out to the 50-yard line after the defeat to prevent Notre Dame from planting the flag on the Spartan field. It was the best defense (and clearly the only game planning) that occurred Saturday night. At least we know when the annual MSU collapse began. Coincidentally, it happened the same week this year as the annual Minnesota collapse. The Gophers got spanked by Purdue and are under investigation for their attempts to keep former running back Gary Russell eligible for this season.

Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?

The best headline from the weekend, coined after PSU coach Joe Paterno left the field multiple times during Penn State's matchup with Ohio State. I'm not sure of the scientific term for the reason behind JoePa's sudden exits, but the phrase "poop smoothie" comes to mind. Or maybe he was just leaving to catch the early bird special at the local Sizzler Steakhouse. Old folks get cranky when they don't get their food.

JoePa's trot for trots

While the events in East Lansing and Columbus provided much amusement for Michigan fans, the fine folks over at the Mzone wondered what is wrong with UM cheerleaders. Besides the fact that they went to Michigan in the first place. I keed, I keed. Please don't harm me when I swing through A^2 in a few weeks.

Big 12
Microsoft offers some advice to the premature land grabbers (pic courtesy of Mzone).

Who knew they had 'puters in Oklahoma?

What do you do when your team gets hosed on a crucial 4th quarter call? Develop a web site, of course.

If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it must be a drunken Oregon fan

Big East
Nothing exciting here. Just waiting until basketball season and watching the police blotters. WVA continues to roll. If the Mountaineers keep winning my suggestion is to buy stock in home furniture companies with a big presence in West Virginia.

SEC
Things have been looking rather bleak in Oxford (if you ignore the Miss Americas), as Ole Miss football is struggling under the direction of second-year head coach Ed Orgeron. The maniacal Cajun added more fuel to the fire that suggests the guy is truly batshit crazy. Inspired by the turn of events in Rebel Land, Memphis radio personality Chris Vernon created a song entitled "Colonel Reb is Crying". To take it up a notch, a video was posted on EDSBS (see below). I'd love to make a bunch of jokes at Coach O's expense, but frankly I'm afraid he might fly out here (literally, by flapping his arms like a bird) and kill me. He's like Bill Brasky, Chuck Norris, Frankenstein (as played by Phil Hartman on SNL), Coach Fran, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan all combined into one super-powerful freak.

Normally I'm not big on human interest stories here on Mötley College Football, but in this case I will make an exception. Read this New York Times article about Mississippi offensive lineman Michael Oher. If you find it too long or boring, at least read the school bus story on page nine. Eligibility questions aside, it's good stuff.

Balijeet?

The one exciting game from last week's SEC slate was Arkansas' victory over Alabama. Backup Tide kicker Leigh Tiffin (son of former 'Bama favorite Van Tiffin) pulled his best John Vaughn impersonation. The younger Tiffin missed three field goals and a crucial extra point in overtime to seal the loss. But that wasn't even the most interesting kicking development from the game. Arkansas punter Jacob skinner introduced the college football world to his, um, unique punting style.

Mr. Miyagi would be proud

In spite of the loss, Crimson Tide fans are busy putting their education to good use. Nothing screams out "too much time on your hands" like teaching your pet parrot the school fight song. I guess we should all be happy the bird is not belting out four-letter expletives like a drunken Ohio State fan.

Pac-10
Apparently the band won't be out on the field. That disappoints me, because the Stanford Band is one of the last bastions of anti-political correctness left in this country. Any band that drops trou on the field, mocks polygamy at BYU, and directs the band with a crucifix in hand at Notre Dame is o.k. by me. Click here to read more about their antics.

There's a band camp joke in here somewhere

Dr. T