Jesus H. Krispy Kreme Christ on a custom-engraved LSU corndog stick, football season is finally here! I'm more excited than a five-year old hopped up on Jolt Cola and a bowl of sugar-coated Frosted Flakes. It's been a long, dreary nine months since the end of the 2007 college football season. But as sure as another BCS Buckeye beatdown or an SEC victory in the Fulmer Cup, my spirits are sky-high again as the start of the 2008 college football season is upon us. At one point in the offseason I thought I had found my soulmate - a young lass who seemed to share my passion for Fall Saturdays - until I read item #4 on the list and threw up a little in my mouth. After that I just went back to stalking Erin Andrews. "How is Erin doing?" you ask. Fine. Just fine.

I know you're not here for Erin Andrews content. Well, 13.82% of you are according to my server logs, but I digress. It's time for our annual insults to kick off the season. If I had to sum up my feelings about your favorite U in one glorious, run-on sentence, it would be - "Your respective favorite team, filled with underwater basket weaving majors, class A felons, and various other ne'er-do-wells will continue to suck and provide me the fodder with which to ridicule because I don't have enough talent or time to do a thoughtful, in-depth, statistical analysis." On with the show!

Illinois

Zooker's back. Talkin' fast. Walkin' fast. Sleepin' fast. Eatin' fast. Drinkin' fast. And probably shittin' fast if he's hitting Kam's and La Bamba's to keep an eye on the players. Oh, sorry, I confused coaches there for a minute. In addition to the activities above, RZ spent a few days this summer aboard an aircraft carrier in the Pacific Ocean. No word on whether the Navy allowed him to water ski in the big boat's wake.

Fresh off a Rose Bowl ass kickin' at the hands of Southern Cal, Illinois is out to prove that last season was not a fluke. A healthy Rejus Christ SuperStar and Juice Williams will lead the Illini offense, with Vontae Davis, Will Davis, and Martez Wilson providing the excitement on defense. The Illini's transformation from cellar dweller to BCS team mirrored the construction taking place at Memorial Stadium. The Illini are wearing throwback jerseys to commemorate the stadium renovation dedication on September 6th. Might as well look like a Butkus-era team, even if you're incapable of playing like one. The students will be fired up with their Zook Zone towels, which should come in handy for cleaning the puke off their shirts after a night of partying. Rookies. Notably missing from those festivities will be Chief Illiniwek, who was banished by the communist pigs NCAA blowhards. In his absence, I propose the following characters as potential mascots for my beloved University. On the left is Master Chief; on the right is Illie.

Michigan
There is no doubt an Ohio State fan reading this right now who is frantically searching for my e-mail address in order to bitch about the Wolverines being "featured" before their beloved Buckeyes. Relax, Señor Buckstache, we'll get to your team soon enough. Now, regarding Michigan - I think it's about time to overhaul that fight song. Champions of the West? Have you looked at a map lately? One created after 1900 A.D.? I'm no cartographer, but "West" isn't a word I would use to describe Ann Arbor. Can't really say Champions of the North - nothing really rhymes with North. Plus, the Fighting SweaterVests have been bludgeoning you in rather routine fashion lately, so they'd likely get the award for best team north of the Mason-Dixon line. Perhaps Champions of Washtenaw County, assuming Coach PaperShredder can keep the boat afloat of Eastern Michigan (shout out to Ypsilanti!).

It was quite the eventful offseason in Ann Arbor. After school president Mary Sue Coleman and athletic director Bill Martin conducted a clinic on how not to hire a football coach, the Wolverines finally pilfered another West Virginia product to lead their team. Big Blue fans should be happy they got someone from that state with the majority of their teeth intact. While RichRod may have all his teeth, he certainly doesn't have all his brains - much to my delight and Michigan fans' collective chagrin, the SAPF will be back in Ann Arbor this Fall. WooHoo! And how do you, dear reader, go about scoring tickets to watch the impending comedic debacle at the Big House? By "exchanges in reproductively relevant currencies", of course.

Coach Rodriguez is bringing his vaunted spread offense to the Big Ten. Everybody seems to be ignoring that Northwestern, Purdue, and Illinois have run variations of the spread offense in recent years. And as much as Michigan fans don't want to hear it, those teams have the personnel to be at least somewhat successful with that scheme. Michigan, not so much. It didn't help matters when uber-recruit Terelle Pryor spurned Michigan for arch-rival Ohio State. And promising sophomore-to-be QB Ryan Mallett decided to transfer. Now the Wolverines are down to a walk-on and a transfer from Georgia Tech as their possible starting quarterback. Uh oh.

Not sure about saying his prayers, but former Wolverine Rondell Biggs was definitely taking his vitamins. Noteworthy, but not particularly funny. More amusing were running back Kelvin Grady's responses to the police officer who pulled him over for drunk driving. Kelvin put his Michigan education on display, reciting the heretofore unknown "O, R, S, J, L, P" linear version of the alphabet. In his defense, he had a 0.281% BAC, which is usually high enough to induce coma or cause death. Unless you live in Kentucky. Then it's just an annoying little hangover. To capitalize on the event, a former UM sociology professor announced Bo Merlot.

Schembechler Day will be held on the day of the first Michigan home football game every year. And Lloyd Carr Day will be held during the last weekend of the Big Ten season to celebrate Michigan's annual loss to Ohio State. Furthermore, Ed Martin day will be declared on the day of the NCAA men's basketball national championship game to commemorate Ed's "donations" to the athletic department as well as the propensity of his beneficiaries to choke away national title games.

The Ohio State University
It's been a fairly uneventful offseason at the Penitentiary. Except for that pesky DUI + driving around in a Cadillac Escalade with plates registered to another vehicle. Nothing fishy there. Hard to blame that on Maurice Clarett or ESPN, although I am sure the Ohio State faithful will try. Buckeye fans should be more concerned with their recent propensity to crap the bed in big games. Why not just join the Sun Belt Conference now. That way you can take your SEC beatings on a regular basis without embarrassing the Big Ten. If you're not willing to take such extreme measures, can you at least keep your buckstache-sporting, sweatervest-wearing, coozie cup-holding, four-letter-swearing freakshows from posting crappy flash videos online?

On the field, things are looking promising for another Big Ten title run. National title hopes depend on the outcome of an early season matchup with the University of South Central. Beanie Wells will be among the nation's leaders in rushing, and Todd Boeckman begins his second season as the starting QB. Everyone is anxious to see how Terelle Pryor will play in spot duty at quarterback. Butkus Award candidate James Laurinaitis and cornerback Malcom Jenkins lead the defense. Coach SweaterVest has opted to open the season against Youngstown State, the 1-AA school he led to four championships (and also was put on probation for players taking cash from boosters - sound familiar, Buckeye fans?). Seems the Senator isn't quite the saint he is made out to be.

Penn State
Good news for ladies wishing to saunter naked through Happy Valley - you can practice your vaginal acrobatics free from fear of prosecution. Keep the damn, dirty Communists in Madison and Ann Arbor where they belong. ... The off-the-field troubles of Penn State football players have been well-documented. PSU zombie head coach Joe Paterno thinks the whole ordeal is a big witch hunt but cracked down in an attempt to regain control of his team. Then it was off to visit recruits with the rest of the Big 11 coaches...

On-the-field action will once again be dominated by Penn State's defense. Linebacker Sean Lee is out for the 2008 season due to a knee injury in the spring game. Defensive end Maurice Evans will spend a lot of time wreaking havoc in opposing teams' backfields. First-year QB starter Daryl Clark will likely spend a lot of time wreaking havoc in his own backfield. Zing! There has been much talk around State College of the new & improved offense, dubbed the "Spread HD". The spread worked well with Michael Robinson at the helm. All other attempts to use it at Beaver Stadium have resulted in spectacular failure. Much like the old adage about lipstick on a pig, a crappy offense in "HD" is still a crappy offense.

Wisconsin
Year three of the Bret Bielema experience gets underway in Madison this weekend. The Badgers are looking to contend for the league title. All the tough games are at home; ultimately their success will hinge on the play at quarterback and improvement of the defense. Coach Ankletattoo seems to be channeling his inner Mark Mangino as of late, sporting some extra poundage and running around in track suits. I'll spare you the pictures, but know that I'm really looking forward to making some Sizzler Steakhouse jokes should the trend continue. Call me a FIB if you must, you Packerstani cheeseheads.

It was a relatively calm year for the boys in Madison, save for running back Lance Smith getting the boot. That's surprising given Wisconsinites propensity to consume mass quantities of alcohol. Perhaps everyone is weighed down from all the dairy products. Badgers love them some cheese.

Northwestern
You seem like bright folks. Nice folks, too - very accommodating when visiting fans invade your stadium. You're secure in the belief that one day they'll all be working for you. But I feel you are not living up to your potential. It's time to use some of that purple brainpower and eradicate that hideous blight of a sound used as a rallying point for the Wildcats. Please make it stop. I feel like Sally Struthers asking for donations to feed the poor kids in Africa.

Florida

I don't know if you've heard, but Tim Tebow won the Heisman Trophy last December as a sophomore. This year he has the chance to become the first repeat winner shutthefuckupI'msickandtiredofhearingaboutthisyouTebowfellatingmediawhores since Archie Griffin. Despite his Heisman status, Double T turned down an invitation to be a part of the Playboy Preseason All-American team. Turns out T^2 isn't a fan of the boobie mags. Why do you hate America, Timmy? Instead of fraternizing with Playboy bunnies, Jesus AntiChrist TebowStar (new official nickname - abbreviated as JATS) spent part of the offseason preaching to inmates (actual inmates, not just Gator teammates) and circumsizing impoverished children. How noble. Creepy, but noble.

Coach FingerPointer spent most of the offseason bitching about Georgia's unsportsmanlike celebration after the first Bulldog touchdown in the 2007 Cocktail Party game. Coaches who reinstate players convicted of firing AK-47s in an urban environment (I get paid by the pun) are not allowed to take anything resembling the moral high ground. I will at least give Urban credit for booting former Gator safety Jamar Hornsby after he was found using a dead girl's gas card. But cut the act, kwitcherbitchin, and embrace the fact that you are a smarmy, ultracompetitive, win-at-all-costs head coach at one of the top football factories in the nation. It worked for Darth Visor.

LSU
Gone is Ryan Perrilloux. The quarterback duties now fall into the hands of Andrew Hatch, a transfer from Harvard. Allow me to dispel a few myths that have cropped up amongst the Coonass contingent - (1) Just because your quarterback is a Mormon doesn't mean your party reputation (state school, wooooooooooo!!!!!) is going anywhere and (2) Just because your QB transferred from Harvard does not mean that you are the "Harvard of the South". You're not even the "Harvard of East Baton Rouge Parish". What is it with every southern school claiming to be the "Harvard of the South"? It doesn't matter how many times you repeat it; it is never going to be true.

On the football field, LSU will simply plug-and-play another 4-or-5-star prospect to replace last year's graduates and miscreants as they challenge Auburn and Alabama for SEC West supremacy. Coach TruckerHat has been a budding comedian in the offseason, working in shots at the Crimson Tide on the rubber chicken circuit and hanging with Snoop Dogg. He also revealed that Les Tigres will be sporting spats as part of their uniforms this year. Mr. Peanut is excited beyond belief that he will no longer be the only one dressed in yellow and looking more than a little ridiculous.

Alabama
Quite the entertaining offseason in Tuscaloosa this year. Defensive tackle T.J. Elder was arrested for robbing two students at gunpoint. Small potatoes (where's Dan Quayle when you need him?) compared to MCF favorite Jimmy Johns, who single-handedly vaulted the Crimson Tide to the perch atop the Fulmer Cup Standings. Multiple felony counts of possessing and distributing cocaine will tend to do that. JJ was quickly booted off the team. Even 'Bama fans are getting into the act - just when you thought they couldn't get any lower, they break out a new shovel and start digging. Of course, this is somehow all Tennessee's fault.

John Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson returns for his senior season as the Crimson Tide QB (and wins this year's Brodie Croyle Oh God He's Still Here Is He Ever Going to Graduate Award). Freshman wide receiver sensation Julio Jones would be a star even if I was chucking him the football. And Nick Saban will work his coaching magic. He will also work his anti-media magic. The season hasn't even started yet, and MoneyBags is already our first John L. Smith Interview Jackass of the Week winner. You stay classy, Coach Saban.

Rolls Tide! Photoshop tomfoolery. Why is it "tom"foolery? Why not "balijeet"foolery or "chris"foolery or "sarah"foolery?

Not exactly the Sunday crossword.

Nothing says Bear Bryant like hamburgers, hot dogs, and nachos.

Tennessee
LSU fans are upset that Florida was the first SEC team mentioned, Alabama fans are upset that LSU was "analyzed" prior to the Crimson Tide, Tennessee fans are upset that Alabama received higher billing, and Florida fans are too busy drinking Natty Light and rocking out to AC/DC to care. Phillip Fulmer is upset that he done got served at SEC media day in Birmingham this month. ... As macho as Volunteer fans claim to be, it strikes me as a tad bit effeminate to be waving around pom-pons and screaming "Woooo!" in a high-pitched voice 40 times per game. Unless you're Ric Flair.

Nebraska
Bo Pelini takes the helm after the disastrous tenure of Coach ThroatSlash. Everybody polka! It didn't take long for things to return to normal in Lincoln. Results on the field may be a little harder to come by. Big Red Nation will give Coach Pelini a few years to right the proverbial ship. After that he better damn well be winning 10 games per year while rolling up 500 rushing yards/game. Despite often insane expectations surrounding the football program, Nebraska fans are known as some of the nicest and most hospitable in the country. To make Memorial Stadium in Lincoln an even more difficult place to play, I propose two things - (1) Change the color of the field turf from green to red. That would be way better than the Boise State blue. Would also remind fans of that rich kid whose dad bought a pool table with red felt to rub your family's green felt table in your lower middle-class face. Tell me that wouldn't get things amped up to 11 on the dial. (2) Ditch the parking lots and surround the stadium with corn fields. Not just in a figurative sense. I want stalks growing right up to the entrances. It will freak out opposing teams when the 'Huskers just start appearing out of the fields like a Stephen King novel.

Florida State
Bobby Bowden is back for his 33rd season as the Seminoles commander in chief (you're getting your money's worth of puns today). At this point it's mainly a figurehead title. Jimbo Fisher, not to be confused with Fisher Stevens, is running the offense and waiting patiently to step into the head coaching role when Bobbah steps aside. Mickey Andrews is still running the defense; that man genuinely frightens me. He's at the top of my list of current coaches most likely to have a Woody Hayes vs. Clemson moment on the sidelines. I half expect him to start tackling players, on offense or defense, between downs just to demonstrate proper technique and intensity. Chuck Amato is back in his role as associate head coach, linebackers coach, and gynecomastia spokesperson. The grand sum of all this returning coaching experience? ...

Junior college. Florida State. Same thing, really.

Catfight!

Or not. Dammit. Back to internet surfing.

In search of the next Jenn Sterger. You are no doubt thrilled that I will keep you posted.

Arizona State

It is really difficult to find entertaining pictures of Les Diables that don't involve scantily-clad ladies, Sparky, and the shocker. Call it the East Mesa trifecta. I believe those subjects are the reason ASU quarterbacks were sacked at an alarming level last season. The 55 takedowns occurred early and often because the offensive line was busy scanning the stands for tail and dreaming up what they were going to do with it at postgame parties. The QB would have been doing the same, but somebody had to take the ball. So he was stuck out on a proverbial desert island in some demented form of smear the queer. If the Sun Devils want to run with the big boys, they will have to keep their quarterback from getting murdered on the field.

Oh, the humanity!

Whew!

Oregon
Even though I live in Duck Country, the chatter about the upcoming season has been relatively quiet this year. Oregon is not expected to seriously challenge USC for the conference title, mainly because of question marks at the quarterback position. Why use just one when you can use three? I'm sure Chip Kelly will scheme up something that works. It's the Pac-10, so it shouldn't take much. :) I kid, I kid.

And finally, to the lost soul who found my site in search of "Scooby Doo porn" - please seek help immediately you magnificently perverted bastard.

Buena suerte to all, and Go Illini!

Dr. T